bomangjian1962

@@@@@As often happened when he was very tired, his mind had become clear and he felt as if he understood everything, but at times like this the knowledge was always wistful, burdened with the exhaustion of livingHe thought of Wilson, saw him very clearly for a moment as he had looked in the assault boat months before when they had invaded the island"C'mon in, y'old billygoat, the water's nice an' cold," Wilson had shouted to him "Up yours," or it had been something like that he had answered, but what difference did it make? Wilson was a mile or two away, perhaps dead by now, where the hell did it all come out? Aaah, everybody losesRed almost said this aloudHe knew it, they all knew it, every one of themThey knew it, and yet they still were soft, still didn't get used to the idea Even if we do get back we'll get a fugginWhat did it matter if they ever got out of the Army? It would be the same thing on the outsideNothing ever turns out the way want itAnd yet they weren't really tough, they still believed it would all be perfect in the end, they separated all the golden grains in the sand and looked at them, only at them -- with a magnifying glassHe did it himself, and he had nothing to look forward to but a succession of barren little towns and rented rooms, of nights spent listening to men talk in barroomsWhat would there be outside of a whore and some tremors in his groin? Maybe I ought to get married, he thought, and snickered immediately afterwardWhat was the use? He had had his chance, and turned it down, he could have had Lois, and he skipped out on herWhen you're like me you're scared to admit you're getting oldThat was it, nice and simpleYou started out with something, something they all had, and it was just pissed awayFor an instant he remembered Lois getting up in the middle of the night to look at Jackie, and then coming back to bed, shuddering against him until her body warmedHis throat choked on it for an instant and he forced it backHe had nothing to give a woman, nothing to give anybodyWhat do you tell them, that it's all bloody noses? Even a wounded animal went away alone to die In affirmation, his kidneys were aching again Still he could see a time when these years he was living now would seem different, when he could laugh at the men he'd known in the platoon and remember the way the jungle and the hills sometimes looked in the dawnHe might even want the kind of tension there was in stalking a manHe hated it more than anything he had ever done and yet if he lived he knew that in the end it might turn mello