jackiejax521

Mood: Sad

I work for a well known Sporting Goods Store.  Like all businesses we are struggling to make the numbers everyday.  Still and all, we are always being critized about not meeting numbers,  about supplies in demand and also consumers are trying to save every buck that they can by negotiating prices with us.  The Corporate honchos, are beating us up, because they refuse to see how bad the economy is getting.  The comparison from last year to now is so very different now, that you can really see the changes.

 

Still, they want us to promote a credit card that has a very high APR.  Consumers are looking to save money, not give more money away.  Gas prices are at a ridiculous high, and food prices are just soaring higher and higher.  The theft rate is climbing because of the very inflated cost of living, so businesses are getting hit with external theft.  What to do?  Many businesses are going out of business.  The economy is suffering terribly, so this affects the billions of hard working people who are trying to make ends meet.  We get threatened with,  "If you can't meet our demands, you will lose your jobs and jobs are very hard to find."  This  threat in turn makes us feel like we are under so much pressure just trying to stay afloat, that employee moral is at a very low sad state.

 

If this does not get better, we will all be out of a job and things will most certainly get very ugly.  This goes to show you that big Corporations really don't care about thier workers.  All they care about is how much money they want to make.  If Corporations show that they don't care, then why should we?   We come to work everyday and believe me we want to do very well.  I don't think we come to work hoping that we fail on a daily basis.

 

What will the future hold?...........................................................................I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. 

Mood: sinister

After the new millienium, there was an explosion that left people exposed to radiation poisoning.  Many, many people were transformed to zombies, "The Walking Dead".  They fed on human flesh, not any human flesh, but living hot blooded flesh.  A heavy set man, now being transformed into one of the walking dead found a baby girl.  He thought to himself that he would take her to his home and raise her and get her nice and plump, so that later on she could become a tasty dish for him to feed on.  He made sure to feed her every time and keep her nice and plump.  His greed made him wait longer.  He thought, "maybe i'll let her get fatter and bigger and then she can be my feast.  As time passed on, the little girl kept growing and getting fatter and fatter.  He feasted on whatever dead flesh he could find, and he himself was getting older and fatter.  He looked at the girl with a devilish hunger that made his mouth water.  The girl was now bigger and could bring him flesh to feast on.  He could hardly walk now and the girl was now his main supplier of flesh. She now had to feed herself, for he could no longer walk.  Everytime he looked at her, he thought of the many ways on how he could eat her.  He decided that tomorrow I will feast upon her flesh and enjoy her with every bite. He made a plan on how the deed would be done.  The next day, he awoke, surprised that his hands and feet were tied up.  He could not move.  He yelled for the girl, but no answer.  He heard comming from the kitchen, loud clanging noises.  He also heard feet dragging and kicking things around the floor.  He called out for the girl again, and out came the girl, transformed into a zombie, wielding a huge, sharp butchers knife, you see she too thought of him as a feast, one to last her for a real real long time.  As she approached him with saliva dripping from the sides of her mouth, he let out his last words.................NO! YOU CAN NOT EAT YOUR FATHER!!!!!!!!!

 

.............................................CRUNCH!!!!!!!!! 

Mood: HAPPY

We were married Christmas Eve of that year at City Hall in Kansas.  We paid $25.00 to be married and no rings were exchanged, we could not afford rings.  I was now officially married to the man I truly loved.  I was and still am very proud to be his wife.  A week later he decided to send me back to New York to make the transition to stay there.  He was going to drive back to the city with our personal belongings.  That would be a very long drive, about 2-3 days long.  My husband asked his friend if he could borrow the money to pay for the moving truck he wanted to rent and we would wire the money back once he arrived back to New York, his best friend since childhood told him no.  My husband was so upset and hurt that his best friend would put him in a situation like that and then refuse to help him.  Well his grandmother wired my husband the money and my husbnd made it back to New York safely and exhausted from all the driving that he did.  We were back on our feet in 1 months time and happy again.  We would not see his best friend for over 3 years.  He thinks about his best friend maybe once every 3 years, but I remind my husband of the rotten thing that he did to us.

 

I had not seen or spoken to my father in 4 years and I did not care to see or speak to him.  My sibilings were older and doing thier own thing.  My husband and I continued to grow and live happy like a family.  My mother continued on with the grand treasure that she was with.  I guess as the old saying goes, you get what you deserve.  My husband and I have gone thru many things together, but yet our love and marriage remained strong and maybe stronger than ever before.  As for my dad, he was diagnoised with diabetes and a whole lot of other medical conditions.  We had not spoken for a solid 15 years after he threw me out.  I did not care if he was sick.  My sibilings have thier own lives with thier own little families and I guess they are happy in thier own way.  We all changed in the course that we lived with our father. Its so sad for me to live with the fact that one morning out of the clear blue sky I decided to go see my father, for some strange reason, I wanted to see him face to face and see the responsible grown up woman that I became without any up bringing from him.  I took my daughter with me to go see her grandfather for the first time ever.

 

I arrived at the projects and my heart just hit the ground, all the bad memories just rushed in me.  I saw the bench were I often sat on to think and reflect after my routine beatings at home.  I went upstairs and knocked on the door.  My father opened the door and I was expecting to see the hateful drunk hat beat me everyday of my life with him.  What I saw was a old man, worn out from the drinking.  He looked so old and helpless now.  He couldn't believe it was me.  He asked me in and we entered and I introduced him to his grand daughter he just said Hi and him andI did not exchange hugs, just stares.  I asked him how he was doing? he said, "well I have diabetes and other issues going on", but I seem to feel fine today.  I was waiting for an apology, anything, or to say thank you for helping me all those years with your brothers and sisters.  Nothing was said from his part.  I stood only for 30 minutes and I had to leave, too many bad memories there.  I said, "take care" and he said, you too and that was it.  I finally knew what I ad always known in my heart, he never loved me at all.  It broke my heart to know that all those years of abuse were because you were really hated by your own father.  Well..............................................I guess "SHIT HAPPENS" and we must learn and move on.  He died the day after I saw him.  I went to the wake and told him, I know you hated me, but I consider you a bully and a coward.  You treated me badly and for that, you will pay.  I hope that where ever your spirit is going that you won't have the same bad life that you gave to me.  I forgive you for being a bad father to me.  I left the wake after that.........I never looked back.

 

I felt horrible being there.  He did not even deserve my words.  

 

My life with my father taught me how to be a survivor.  I remain married to my husband, it will be 23 yrs, this year.  He is a wonderful man, he treats me like a queen and I love and adore him greatly.  We ave 3 great kids.  The two boys have left home and have started thier own lives.  We only have our daughter now.  My husband and I are doing well and live upstate, in our own loving home.  

 

I still see my mother from time to time, but she has never apologized for leaving me behind and going thru the hell she went thru.  She just rather not talk about it.  We are not very close.  As for myself and my sibiling, we very rarely see each other................We too are not close.

 

I love my husband and children.  I am a grandmother now and I love my 2 year old grandson.  I spoil him rotten.  

 

I am finally happy................................................................... 

Mood: PEACEFUL

I arrived home.  I was still upset over the bitter sweet reunion with my mom.  My dad started getting on my case, once again I became what I was, his personal punching bag.  With every hit of my dad's fists I prayed so hard that maybe this time he would end my tormented exsistence in this horrible life I had. No such luck for me.  I just continued on as if nothing happened.  I kept going to school and working right afterwards.  I had a hard time sleeping at night just thinking about keeping alert just in case my dad tried to be stupid again.  My sibilings were starting to have thier own emotion problems, with everything going on at home.  I remained strong and tried to console them.  Telling them that everything would be alright, not to worry about me so much. 

 

Many times I had to work extra hard to keep food on the table and sometimes even pay the rent because my dad use to drink the money away.  I was now 16 years old and carried a full load, with having food on the table, paying the rent and making sure my sibilings had clothes on thier backs and did thier homework and went to school.  My mom even came around once a month and waited for me to arrive from work on my paydays so that she could ask me for money.  I gave her my transporation money every month so that she too could eat.  Her new husband did not work and was beating her up too.  What a trade off.  Thats what I get for feeling sorry for people.  My sibilings were so happy to see her once a month.  I kept giving her money so that I could see the happiness on thier faces when she came around.  But I knew better.  I was disgusted with the whole thing.  

 

The supermarket was closing down and I was going to be without a job soon.  I was worried.  I knew that I had to do something now and in a hurry.  I decided to make myself over......look older and act more mature.  I dressed up and began job hunting.  I went from store to store asking for a job, anything even cleaning so that I could continue to help my sibilings.  I lied about my age and lied about having sales experience.  I finally landed a job, a real job at a meat warehouse as a meat wrapper.  The job was off the books so I did not need to show proof of age or anything.  It paid $300.00 a week.  I was now making decent money, for a 16 year old.  All I had to do was age older and do a good job, and I did just that.  I had enough money for everything.  I was paying the bills and going to school.  

 

After the first year there I got a raise.  I felt so tired all the time.  I decided to quit school and just work.  I hated the idea of quitting school, but I was killing myself.  I took up smoking and I ejoyed cigarettes.  They were a good stress reliever for me.  My dad did not care since I was paying for everything in the apartment and all the bills.  I also had to give him money for staying at home on top of the fucking rent I paid every month.  He charged me an extra $ 60.00 a week so that I could sleep there.  What a great dad!  He would never forget to ask for his money.  I started answering him back when he would beat me up.  Why not?, I was paying for everything and I was still getting beat up.  

 

I despised him so much.  After 2 years at my job, I was let go because my boss made a pass at me and I told him to "fuck off" and he fired me on the spot.  I was so mad and scared now because i had no job.  I went home and told my dad I was fired and the reason I lost my job and his rely was, Well you must leave this house.  I am not going to have you stay here for free.  I just broke down and cried so hard.  I packed my things and gave my brother some money and told him only to use it in an emergency for food and that I would try to give him more when I could.  I went to my grandmother's house and begged her to let me stay there until I could get back on my feet and she agreed.  I landed another job at a meat warehouse doing the same thing.  That is where I met my husband.  He had just came out of the service.  82nd Airbourne division.  We started talking and we hit it off.  He was the one for me.  For the first time in my life, I was in love and happy.  I started telling him about my ordeals and he told me, I will take care of you.  We were inseperable, I left my grandmothers house and remained with him.

 

We struggled in the beginning, it was hard because he was staying with his mother and she did not want me staying there and all the while he used to give her money just so he could sleep there at nights.  Since she did not want to accept me, we started sleepingin his car.  I remember every morning we used to go to "Mickey Dees" to brush our teeth and have breakfast.  We went thru so much together, but remained inseperable.  I knew he was a good man and that we would overcome the hard times that we were going thru.  My husband told me, "I am going to introduce you to my grandmother", I was nervous about that since he told me that she was a great judge of character and a very good person, you see she raised him from birth, so to him she was his mother.  I remember the first time that I met her, my husband introduced me to her and she looked me up and down and just said hi.  She told me to sit and I did.  I felt tension in the air.  My husband then decided to go outside and leave me alone with his grandmother to talk.  I started telling her about myself and we hit it off.  She admired my courage and how I supported my family and how sorry she was to hear about my father treating me the way that he did.  We spoke for hours and I even helped her make dinner.  I really liked her and I knew the feeling was mutual.  

 

My husband came back and we all had dinner and she told me you are welcomed in my home anytime.  I gave her a kiss and a hug and thanked her for our nice day.  I called her by her name and she said, "you can call me mom".  I felt so good when she told me that.  She was like a real mom to me.  My husband told her about our situation and she helped us out so much.  I even got an apartment and she helped us with dishes and other little odds and ends.  My husband already had all the furniture which was stored at his mothers house and she had the audacity to get angry when he came to get it.  I guess she felt as if she should keep it all.  Go figure....................

 

My husband landed a job and we started living like a real married couple, but we were really not married yet.  My husband worked and I went back to school.  We struggled a bit, but his grandmother was always there to help us out.  We never took advantage of her, we used to visit her almost everyday and I would help her clean and we would make dinner together and just talk and I even learned how to play dominoes.  I like that game now. LOL  I considered her as my mother.  I loved that woman so much.  She was a best friend and the mother I always yearned for.  She was a great person, that to me meant the world.  As time passed us by, I used to visit my sibilings less and less and they too, suffered thier own little stories with my father, but not as I did.  They did what they pleased and he could not control them.  They were not afraid of him anymore.  

 

My husband and I saved money and continued on with our lives. One morning I got up to go to school and on train I just threw up.  I was as sick as a dog.  I went to the doctor and found out that I was having a baby.  At first I did not now how to feel about that.  I was on the pill and I still came out pregnant..........Go figure.  I went to my husband's grandmothers house and broke the news to her and she was so excited about the news.  I just had to tell my husband.  We made dinner and I told him and he was happy to hear about the news.  His grandmother as well as himself, took good care of me.  I was very healthy and looked good for a mother to be.  After the birth of our son, my husband's childhood friend came to visit from Kansas and convinced my husband to move up there and even promised him a job at the place where he worked as a manager.  My husband and I talked about it and my husband even asked his friend again if the job was a sure thing.  His friend said not to worry that it was all set.  

 

We packed all our stuff and took our savings out and decided to make a new future in Kansas, it would be a great place to raise our family and prosper.  We arrived over there and stood at his friends house and we were ready to start "the ball rolling", only to find out that there was no job for my husband.  That made me so mad.  I was upset and I couldn't believe that he would lie to us like that.  After a week staying at his friends house and still no job, my husband decided to send me back to NewYork to stay with his grandmother, until he could decide what to do.  This would be the first time being apart from him.  I was miserable and still so mad at his "best friend".  After a month my husband told me to come back to Kansas that he had a job.  I arrived back over there and my husband had a car and a great apartment with a balcony and a great view.  I was happy again.  That did not last too long, for the job my husband had, laid him off.  Kansas was not such a great place, they dislike people that come from the city.  We were not making it over there.  We were struggling very hard to make ends meet.  One day my husband asked me, " Honey,  do you still want to be with me? I said, "of course I do, I love you".  He said, "I have no money, no job and I don't know where we are heading to in the future, but I love you and if you still love me, will you marry me"? It was very  It was very emtional, I said, YES! I WILL MARRY YOU! (TO BE CONTINUED)

Mood: TIRED

I felt so ashamed for what he tried to do to me.  My entire personality changed.  I became a very serious person.  I would always be alert and have a defensive plan, just in case things got out of hand.  I was now very protective of my smaller sisters.  I know took the blame for everything they did.  I did not want to give him reason to hit them.  I learned to just shut down my emotions when being beaten.  I did not cry anymore.  I just stood there and took my punisment.  I thought I had to be alive for some crazy reason.  The beatings got more and more bizzare.  I was beaten with belt buckles, extension cords, chairs, sticks, a kiddie wooden bat and so much more.  I took so many beatings to my head that I am surprized that he did not kill me. 

 

I had not heard from my mother in two years.  I was now 15 years old and a rebellious teen.  I was very withdrawn and skinny as a rail.  Funny how I never turned to drugs.  I never had the urge for them.  I never turned to alcohol, didn't like the taste.  I finally bumped into my mother as I waited for the train to go home.  I couldn't believe it was her.  She looked different, heavier in weight.  She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.  I was speechless.  She was with another man and he looked me up and down and asked her who I was.  My mother said, "That is my daughter, the one I was telling you about.  I asked her, "Why did you leave us behind?"  She said, I didn't want to leave you, but I had no choice, your father would have killed me, anyway I could not care for you.  I just couldn't believe sher answer as if that excused all the torment that I have been going thru.  I said, "Mom, do you know the hell I have been thru with that man?"  She said, I know, I am so sorry baby."  I was just stunned at that answer.  I asked her, "Can we go live with you?"  My mother said, "No, my new husband would not allow that.  Our place is too small for all of you."  I asked her, Mom, don't you miss us?"  She said, yes with all my heart, but I can't do anything for you now, I have my husband and I am trying to be happy and make a new life for myself, maybe you should talk to someone about your situation.  I told her, I am,.....YOU!

 

I knew then that she was looking out for herself.  My mother had changed and we were not part of her extended future.  My heart was broken into pieces.  I felt like I didn't matter to her.  My train arrived and I left.  My mother said, just remember that I love you..........................I was angry and felt very betrayed by the one person who I thought loved us and was comming back for us, all to find out it was all a lie.  I sat and thought about how I never wanted to talk to her again.  How she betrayed me and my sibilings.  How she knows what I am going thru and did absolutely nothing.  I was very bitter and sad.  

 

My eyes were swelling up with waterworks again.  I hated crying in front of people, but I was too overcomed with emotion.  I was being stared at by a young woman, who looked sad for me.  She asked me, "are you ok?" I said yes, "sure I am, Thank you for your concern."  I got off the next stop and never looked back..........................................

 

(TO BE CONTINUED)