jackiejax521

Mood: TIRED

I felt so ashamed for what he tried to do to me.  My entire personality changed.  I became a very serious person.  I would always be alert and have a defensive plan, just in case things got out of hand.  I was now very protective of my smaller sisters.  I know took the blame for everything they did.  I did not want to give him reason to hit them.  I learned to just shut down my emotions when being beaten.  I did not cry anymore.  I just stood there and took my punisment.  I thought I had to be alive for some crazy reason.  The beatings got more and more bizzare.  I was beaten with belt buckles, extension cords, chairs, sticks, a kiddie wooden bat and so much more.  I took so many beatings to my head that I am surprized that he did not kill me. 

 

I had not heard from my mother in two years.  I was now 15 years old and a rebellious teen.  I was very withdrawn and skinny as a rail.  Funny how I never turned to drugs.  I never had the urge for them.  I never turned to alcohol, didn't like the taste.  I finally bumped into my mother as I waited for the train to go home.  I couldn't believe it was her.  She looked different, heavier in weight.  She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.  I was speechless.  She was with another man and he looked me up and down and asked her who I was.  My mother said, "That is my daughter, the one I was telling you about.  I asked her, "Why did you leave us behind?"  She said, I didn't want to leave you, but I had no choice, your father would have killed me, anyway I could not care for you.  I just couldn't believe sher answer as if that excused all the torment that I have been going thru.  I said, "Mom, do you know the hell I have been thru with that man?"  She said, I know, I am so sorry baby."  I was just stunned at that answer.  I asked her, "Can we go live with you?"  My mother said, "No, my new husband would not allow that.  Our place is too small for all of you."  I asked her, Mom, don't you miss us?"  She said, yes with all my heart, but I can't do anything for you now, I have my husband and I am trying to be happy and make a new life for myself, maybe you should talk to someone about your situation.  I told her, I am,.....YOU!

 

I knew then that she was looking out for herself.  My mother had changed and we were not part of her extended future.  My heart was broken into pieces.  I felt like I didn't matter to her.  My train arrived and I left.  My mother said, just remember that I love you..........................I was angry and felt very betrayed by the one person who I thought loved us and was comming back for us, all to find out it was all a lie.  I sat and thought about how I never wanted to talk to her again.  How she betrayed me and my sibilings.  How she knows what I am going thru and did absolutely nothing.  I was very bitter and sad.  

 

My eyes were swelling up with waterworks again.  I hated crying in front of people, but I was too overcomed with emotion.  I was being stared at by a young woman, who looked sad for me.  She asked me, "are you ok?" I said yes, "sure I am, Thank you for your concern."  I got off the next stop and never looked back..........................................

 

(TO BE CONTINUED)