jackiejax521

Mood: HAPPY

We were married Christmas Eve of that year at City Hall in Kansas.  We paid $25.00 to be married and no rings were exchanged, we could not afford rings.  I was now officially married to the man I truly loved.  I was and still am very proud to be his wife.  A week later he decided to send me back to New York to make the transition to stay there.  He was going to drive back to the city with our personal belongings.  That would be a very long drive, about 2-3 days long.  My husband asked his friend if he could borrow the money to pay for the moving truck he wanted to rent and we would wire the money back once he arrived back to New York, his best friend since childhood told him no.  My husband was so upset and hurt that his best friend would put him in a situation like that and then refuse to help him.  Well his grandmother wired my husband the money and my husbnd made it back to New York safely and exhausted from all the driving that he did.  We were back on our feet in 1 months time and happy again.  We would not see his best friend for over 3 years.  He thinks about his best friend maybe once every 3 years, but I remind my husband of the rotten thing that he did to us.

 

I had not seen or spoken to my father in 4 years and I did not care to see or speak to him.  My sibilings were older and doing thier own thing.  My husband and I continued to grow and live happy like a family.  My mother continued on with the grand treasure that she was with.  I guess as the old saying goes, you get what you deserve.  My husband and I have gone thru many things together, but yet our love and marriage remained strong and maybe stronger than ever before.  As for my dad, he was diagnoised with diabetes and a whole lot of other medical conditions.  We had not spoken for a solid 15 years after he threw me out.  I did not care if he was sick.  My sibilings have thier own lives with thier own little families and I guess they are happy in thier own way.  We all changed in the course that we lived with our father. Its so sad for me to live with the fact that one morning out of the clear blue sky I decided to go see my father, for some strange reason, I wanted to see him face to face and see the responsible grown up woman that I became without any up bringing from him.  I took my daughter with me to go see her grandfather for the first time ever.

 

I arrived at the projects and my heart just hit the ground, all the bad memories just rushed in me.  I saw the bench were I often sat on to think and reflect after my routine beatings at home.  I went upstairs and knocked on the door.  My father opened the door and I was expecting to see the hateful drunk hat beat me everyday of my life with him.  What I saw was a old man, worn out from the drinking.  He looked so old and helpless now.  He couldn't believe it was me.  He asked me in and we entered and I introduced him to his grand daughter he just said Hi and him andI did not exchange hugs, just stares.  I asked him how he was doing? he said, "well I have diabetes and other issues going on", but I seem to feel fine today.  I was waiting for an apology, anything, or to say thank you for helping me all those years with your brothers and sisters.  Nothing was said from his part.  I stood only for 30 minutes and I had to leave, too many bad memories there.  I said, "take care" and he said, you too and that was it.  I finally knew what I ad always known in my heart, he never loved me at all.  It broke my heart to know that all those years of abuse were because you were really hated by your own father.  Well..............................................I guess "SHIT HAPPENS" and we must learn and move on.  He died the day after I saw him.  I went to the wake and told him, I know you hated me, but I consider you a bully and a coward.  You treated me badly and for that, you will pay.  I hope that where ever your spirit is going that you won't have the same bad life that you gave to me.  I forgive you for being a bad father to me.  I left the wake after that.........I never looked back.

 

I felt horrible being there.  He did not even deserve my words.  

 

My life with my father taught me how to be a survivor.  I remain married to my husband, it will be 23 yrs, this year.  He is a wonderful man, he treats me like a queen and I love and adore him greatly.  We ave 3 great kids.  The two boys have left home and have started thier own lives.  We only have our daughter now.  My husband and I are doing well and live upstate, in our own loving home.  

 

I still see my mother from time to time, but she has never apologized for leaving me behind and going thru the hell she went thru.  She just rather not talk about it.  We are not very close.  As for myself and my sibiling, we very rarely see each other................We too are not close.

 

I love my husband and children.  I am a grandmother now and I love my 2 year old grandson.  I spoil him rotten.  

 

I am finally happy...................................................................