Black Ice 87

17.11.2015 um 22:33 Uhr

ga rolemodel

Stimmung: jabbadabbadab
Musik: X Files- Crawling (AU), Duke Dumont- Ocean Drive

im getting crazy about hurting myself. that desire. burning me down. did it last week but isnt enough. just need clean cuts, the red and warm running down on me. just one good cut...im so crackbrained about it :( so off-the-wall that sitting around and doing nothing freaks me out. but i guess i always tell the same stories.

the last few weeks i was texting with someone who was very much fun, but, like everytime, he just wanted to have some special fun....indeed im true blue and he disappeared in thin air.  

and all around me those strong women. and me in between feeling small, worthless, lazy and never ever good enough for whatever. so then, just start all over. be painstaking, ambitious, non eating, self harming or maybe not, and many many things more....

UAS has the control over my life. im feeling like i cant take my own decisions, i dont have time for myself, its all learning stuff, writing stuff, research stuff, lecture stuff. and im so extremely overextended and tired of all this. one year, then im done. finally. when im ready and ive saved enough money id like to go to england for a while. maybe america, but i think this will be very hard to earn enough money for. but i keep on dreaming on this and it makes me get up every morning and go to UAS or to work.  

14.11.2015 um 00:04 Uhr

Aisle 2, Booth 39

Stimmung: aufgeregt
Musik: Wyb (deeper)- Blank& Jones

Seit ewigen Zeiten mal wieder eine lustige Begegnung gehabt heute. Einer von den Jungs mit denen wir uns den Stand teilen. Sprechen so über Tattoos und meint er mag meins mal angucken. Zeige ihm also und denke nix und er so, Oh, Rechtshänder? Ich verwirrt.... Oh man, was für eine ambivalente Situation. Ich hab mich schon sehr gefreut, aber wäre am liebsten auch gleichzeitig im Boden versunken...Versucht es locker zu nehmen und nicht allzu emotional zu reagieren, ob das so gelungen ist...weiß nicht so genau. Und insgeheim darüber gefreut dass es noch sichtbar ist. Dabei war er gar nicht so nah...und bilde mir was drauf ein. Würde am liebsten gleich weiter dran arbeiten. Es nie verblassen lassen.

11.11.2015 um 22:28 Uhr

Native

Stimmung: tired
Musik: American Chillout Radio Station

Fair 2015, so exhausting, but i need the Money. And by the way, its so much fun to speak english with native speakers. 

So sleepy, tired, empty head.