Musik: Klassik Radio - Schiller channel
Yes. No. Maybe. Maybe not. Better not. No. Eat, don't eat. Injure myself, don't injure myself. Don't know what's up at the moment, feeling deep and black and driven and edgy and I can't tell...No words to describe it.
Lost some weight, but not so much it could be noticed. Makes me feel like... yeah, like crap. But for all that I'm still lazy, sitting around after work, feeling tired and go to sleep. So just don't eat and hope for it. Stupid me. All around me those people, slenderly built, thin... and me in between. Flabby, big, disgusting. Fat all over me and nevertheless still eating, like an animal, preparing to hibernate. Funny that even the biggest women around me are not that bulky as I am. They can wear clothes that I would never wear and it looks okay. I try new clothes and look like I wear a potato sack. But yeah, just sitting around and moan about it won't help. Do something! And persevere!
And as that gets better I hope the will to hurt myself will pass. Right now it's just the way that I want to do it to feel myself again and to prevent being hurt. Self- protection. I'm so lost inside myself, feeling vulnerable like a child. Triggering myself...
There's nothing than craving burning in my chest. To get out of here, see new places, see the world, maybe just to run away. The more I can't travel, the more I feel the need to injure myself and at the moment it's so really bad. Although there's nothing to run away from. From now on I just can't hop on a train and go where I want to, or even go without a destination. I'm not that free anymore and that caused wanderlust in a way I never knew before.
I'm caged. I'm trapped.