Musik: X Files- Crawling (AU), Duke Dumont- Ocean Drive
im getting crazy about hurting myself. that desire. burning me down. did it last week but isnt enough. just need clean cuts, the red and warm running down on me. just one good cut...im so crackbrained about it :( so off-the-wall that sitting around and doing nothing freaks me out. but i guess i always tell the same stories.
the last few weeks i was texting with someone who was very much fun, but, like everytime, he just wanted to have some special fun....indeed im true blue and he disappeared in thin air.
and all around me those strong women. and me in between feeling small, worthless, lazy and never ever good enough for whatever. so then, just start all over. be painstaking, ambitious, non eating, self harming or maybe not, and many many things more....
UAS has the control over my life. im feeling like i cant take my own decisions, i dont have time for myself, its all learning stuff, writing stuff, research stuff, lecture stuff. and im so extremely overextended and tired of all this. one year, then im done. finally. when im ready and ive saved enough money id like to go to england for a while. maybe america, but i think this will be very hard to earn enough money for. but i keep on dreaming on this and it makes me get up every morning and go to UAS or to work.